5 Star Review By Chris Phelps
Dear Amazon,
I received my “The Mountain Unicorn Castle Purple Adult T-Shirt(Small)” about a month ago as a gift from a friend. At first I was a little put off by the gift and wondered why a man would buy another man a purple shirt with a unicorn on it. It sat in the closet for about a week until I ran out of clothes and decided to wear it as a funny Casual Friday garment. I have to say once I put it on I instantly noticed the amazing quality and texture of the silky smooth 100% cotton as it snuggled tightly against my freshly manscaped chest. It also gave me a delightful new boost of confidence.
Later that day, I was stepping out to start my rewarding new career as an Assistant Janitor at the local Adult Theater. I padlocked the door to my trailer and turned to begin my daily routine of removing the T- tops of my 1987 Camaro when I noticed Bonquiqui, the pretty gypsy girl who makes and sells little garden gnomes out of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. She was smiling at me from the trailer across the park. With my new found confidence I waved to her and thought to myself this is my moment to finally make an impression. I jumped in through the passenger side of my car (which was the only way in due to my meth head neighbor deciding to take apart his lawn mower at 3am in my driveway) and cranked the volume to a techno remix of White Wedding by Billy Idol that is stuck in my tape deck. I gave her a wink and commenced a burnout down our alley. Unfortunately, I accidently hit her cat with my right side naked girl silhouette mud flap in the process. I would have to say that other than giving her cat a permanent limp it was a great success. She came over that night with her cat wearing a white and red paper mache cast she made out of her empty Lucky Strike Brand Cigarette packages. We talked about her life growing up as a Bangladeshi street performer and she told me she never would have even given me a second look if it wasn’t for amazing collaboration of the Unicorn, Castle, Rainbow, Moon and Stars that were radiating from my shirt.
To this day every time that I wear my “The Mountain Unicorn Castle Purple Adult T-Shirt (Small)”it seems as though women can’t resist me. It’s like the dyes used to create the majestic colors were mixed with some sort of experimental high potency pheromone. It’s amazing!!! Sometimes I even think to myself this must be what it feels like to be Chuck Norris. Just three days ago, this tall glass of water with torn white washed jeans in front of me at the checkout in Wal-Mart even offered to pay for my package of Red Man smokeless tobacco and my assortment of Adult, monster truck, and fishing magazines as long as I let her touch the tip of my Unicorn’s horn. I eagerly said ok but “just the tip”. Honestly can life really get any better? Thank you Amazon and The Mountain!!
Warning: Do not mix this item with “The Situation’s Instant Self-Tanning Spray;” the combination is EXTREMLY DANGEROUS. I went to a Bon Jovi concert and felt like a cheeseburger in Somalia. I mean even John himself pointed and winked at me from the stage. Things really got out of hand after I applied a fresh new coat. The glistening dark orange skin mixed with the explosive pinks and purples of the shirt had a dangerous effect on the women in the crowd. If it wasn’t for my extensive martial arts training thanks to my Mom’s Bill Blank’s: Tae Bo and Boot Camp video collection, I don’t think I would be here today. Seriously, don’t combine the two. DON’T DO IT!!
5 Star Review By Pinkie
I was feelin kinda down cuz my waitressing job at the truck stop was just awful ever since they hired that nasty Lula-Jean. She was takin away all my regulars with her perky 38Ds and there I was with my stringy old dishwater blond hair and no chest to speak of. So anyways, I bought me this darlin unicorn tshirt, and the next thing I know, my girls went from 34AA to 40DD, I had highlights in my thick shiny hair, and I didn’t need them Coke bottle glasses no more. Amazin, I’m tellin you.
It gave me the confidence to get in my old Pacer, which turned into a Mercedes, and drive to that truck stop to quit my job. People were just starin and gettin in their cars and pickups and followin me all the way there. Men, women, even a goat, I swear, and I never knew goats could drive.
Well, I sashayed into the truck stop and you coulda heard a pin drop. Customers were wantin to bring me food, and one even washed my feet, which was kinda creepy but in a good way. The manager came over and I said, “I quit this place!” He begged me to stay and gave me his job, then the owner came in and signed the place over to me right there.
Meanwhile, everyone in town was givin me flowers and all kinds of real nice stuff, and that snooty bank president who turned down my $200 loan application last year gave me a free checking account with $25,000 in it and said there was plenty more where that came from, as long as I visited the bank once a week just to say hi.
I fired that skank Lula-Jean, took her man, and got him a Three Wolves One Moon tshirt. His beer gut disappeared and so did that stupid tattoo of Lula-Jean’s name on his neck. Now he’s the mayor. We’re livin high on the hog.
Thank you Amazon!!!!
5 Star Review By C. Willis
It has EVERYTHING!!! The awesome unicorn, the mysterious castle, and to top it all off there’s even a huge rainbow in the background (I mean comparing it to the size of the castle, that rainbow is huge!!) You really have to see this shirt in front of you to see the breathtaking beauty that lies within this shirt. The unicorn is ready to go on some sort of magical journey as you can clearly tell… It’s mane and tail is just going wild in the wind and although it’s horn might appear to have a glimmering majestic light at the end of it, it’s actually a bright star. This obviously signals that this is fate, and it brought you and this unicorn together. The unicorn knows that you mean business when you climb onto it, and it’s super pumped as it awaits your command. The unicorn can’t talk, but it’s magic unicorn abilities allow it to communicate with you telepathically. It tells you that you have been chosen to embark on an epic quest to obtain the legendary Ustanatos crystal, which lies under the control of the evil wizard, Abadede. Abadede has put a curse on the unicorn, and you must obtain this mythical crystal to save the unicorn from eternal sleep. You have until the next full moon to complete this task, or the unicorn will fall into an infinite slumber from which it will never awaken from! So quickly, grab some potions, your bow and quiver, and be ready to go on a quest that will blow your motherf***ing pony mind!!!
