Bucket
5 Star Review by Alan E. Schmidt:
First let us start off with my qualifications to make this review. I was recently elected the Grand Poo-bah of my local Bucket Lovers chapter here in the southwest. My predecessor, Burt, died tragically of a heart attack while touring the Bucket Fanatic Museum in Buttcrackville, Kansas. It was just too much for him. Bucket overload, very common. The International Bucket Council convened immediatly and unanimously elected me the jedi master of the bucket world. I cried uncontrollably at the coronation. All I could think about was a quote from Spiderman “With great power comes great responsibility”. So.. here I am, rating this bucket.
Is the Dover Parkersburg 12QT Bucket up to Bucket Lovers standards? There are some tests that this bucket must pass that will provide us with this answer.
Test #1 – The Handle Durability Test
Load bucket with water.. hold handle.. twirl around in a circle swinging bucket.
On twirl number 7 I became dizzy and somehow released the handle. It shot out like a missle launch. My videographer took the hit. He took it like a man… mostly. He curled up in the fetal position and cried for 20 minutes. Finally stopped. Good man, would have hated to fire him. Not a bend in the handle, tough, test passed 100%.Test #2 – Style and Fashion Test.
We went to 4 different locations in the country and gave the bucket to 4 different women to use as a purse. Their observations and feedback are the test. The results are as follows:
Arkansas – Big hit, positive feedback, lots of stares. Most stares came from wide eyed admireres with a tilted head. Similar to what a dog does when trying to understand it’s master.
Kentucky – 10 minutes into the test a man on the street spit into our bucket. Disgusting brown fluid. Needed to return to vehicle to clean bucket. Enroute to vehicle 4 more men and 1 woman spit into bucket. Same disgusting brown fluid. 20 minutes into test.. Kentucky test concluded. Bucket heavily stained. I don’t like Kentucky anymore.
Iowa – Many puzzeled looks. Most common feedback word was “Duh”. Not sure of its meaning. It was accompanied by a bewildered expression. Must analyze this data further.
New York – The bucket was stolen by a mugger in broad daylight on a busy street. It is a beautiful bucket but C’mon, give me a break. We are currently working cooperatively with the NYPD to track down this thief. The store across the street has a video camera that may have caught the culprit. We WILL get this bucket back. Mark my words.The next test is the Life Preserving Test.
I will strap on this bucket and use as a motorcycle helmet. It should fit my large cranium well. I hope the handle fits under my third chin. I will then take to the freeways of L.A… during rush hour.Unfortunately, the only Dover Parkersburg 12QT bucket we had was stolen in New York. We will have to wait for a new one to arrive… Or for the brave NYPD detectives to crack the case and get our original bucket back.
Still debating on test #4. The Niagara Falls Test. My videographer is balking at the fact that he must do it to fully record the event. Surely it can’t be worse than the bucket swinging incident. I really hope he can sack up before we receive our new bucket.
