1 Star Review By Valannin “Pantheon Outcast”

Three years ago, Dan Brown and top executives in Hollywood and the publishing world assembled Thomas Harris, Dean Koontz, Michael Crichton, Paulo Coelho, Jimmy Wales, Abir Taha, and Rhonda Byrne in one room and said:

“Hello and welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight you are being tasked with creating a novel of epic proportions – one that will keep multitudes of airline travelers mildly entertained for a few hours while simultaneously insulting the intelligence of anyone who possesses anything higher than a Bachelor’s Degree in Communications. Gripping intrigue; explosive revelations; multi-dimensional, original and sympathetic characters; realistic, cutting-edge technology; finely crafted and astonishing plot twists; meticulously researched detail – this book will have none of these! Instead, randomly tear some pages out of your own manuscripts, staple them together and have the product on my desk by Tuesday night; we need at least a week to whittle down your blathering drivel into a 120 minute screenplay.”

“I’ll be on the phone with Hanks’ agent negotiating a deal where we send him a blank check, and he reciprocates his end of the contract by laconically intoning his dialogue while stumbling about in a tweed jacket, so just slide whatever you come up with under my door. Remember, it’s got to be at least 450 pages – if it doesn’t snap the strap of a Timbuk2 messenger bag, it’s not literature!”

“Someone needs to throw in at least three dozen references to “things people do on the internet” too, please. You know, just try to work in the words ‘iPhone,’ ‘Twitter,’ BlackBerry,’ and ‘Google’ every ten pages, that way readers will know it’s a taut techno-thriller. And set it in Washington DC. Yeah, like National Treasure 2. People liked that, didn’t they? Jimmy, have your boys just print out everything they have on the Freemasons, George Washington and Isaac Newton. Yeah, I know we used him before; we honestly don’t know any other scientists. What do you mean your editors don’t actually fact-check their information? So it’s all just a hodgepodge of hearsay and conjecture? Actually, that’s perfect.”

“So, yeah, we have to have a love interest, too. And by love interest I mean “woman with whom the protagonist has no chemistry whatsoever.” I don’t know, a beautiful, wealthy, impossibly intelligent woman who not only is involved in ground-breaking research in a scientific field that doesn’t technically exist (but is going to change Everything Forever!) but also somehow gains the ability to make incredible leaps in logic minutes before our protagonist, thereby completely undermining the purpose of his entire character. Which reminds me – we’re going to need a villain, too. Has there ever been a 6′ tall, rich, muscular, bald, psychotic antagonist with giant tattoos who kidnaps his victims for the purposes of his own “transformation”? What’s that, Tom, you don’t think so? Good – run with that. Throw in a plot twist about him too. Something that’s never been done before. And how about some minor characters as well – an impeccably dressed black man who has keys that open every single door in Washington, an old blind priest who speaks solely in riddles, and oh, what the hell, a deformed, female chain-smoking Japanese midget with a gravelly voice. Yup, all in the same book.”

“Um, ok folks, I think we’re done here – Oh, right, thanks Rhonda, I almost forgot – the ending! People have been waiting years for Dan’s newest, colossal secret! One that will be sure to rock the very foundations of every society on our planet, destroy centuries-old beliefs and shatter ideologies into powdered glass! Here it is – get ready – The Bible. Reading the Bible will teach you things. Things that every single human being alive already knows, but they don’t know they know. But once these things are pointed out, people are going to feel incredibly stupid that they didn’t see them before. But they’re also going feel uplifted because they now know that they’re one with God. Or they’re the same as God. Or they made up God. Or they’re made of God. It doesn’t matter. Just mention “God” and “hope” and people will get all choked up. Abir, you have some experience here – just make it sound spiritual, inspiring, and wishy-washy all at the same time.”

“Can you also make sure to bury this Bible in some well-known, but highly implausible location that certainly won’t be figured out in the first 20 pages by anyone more observant than a small, retarded child? I don’t know, Dean, somewhere in Washington – but it’s gotta have a pyramid on top. Yeah, a pyramid, like at the Louvre. Dan likes pyramids, ok? Are there any places like that in Washington? Anything vaguely pyramid-shaped? Just Google it, you’ll find something. And make sure a shadowy government agency first tries to stop our protagonist, then ends up helping him using sophisticated technology that couldn’t possibly do the things the book says it can do. Just make something up – like time traveling thermal cameras or something. Or how about that liquid breathing fluid stuff from The Abyss? That’s got blockbuster written all over it. No, Michael, we’re not actually going to mention The Abyss in the book – that would be utterly ridiculous.

“Koontz? You had another question? Yes, of course – I was just getting to that. Every single chapter should end in a mini-cliffhanger that doesn’t actually advance the plot, but instead leaves the readers completely unsatisfied, forcing them to stay awake for another two hours in order to reveal some insignificant and unlikely plot point. Typically, each chapter should end with one character literally pointing out something to another character, but never telling the audience what it is they are pointing at until the reader has consumed at least 30 more pages. Needless to say, the thing they are pointing at should leave both characters either “shocked,” “incredulous,” or “amazed.”

“Everyone knows what to do? Great. All right guys, let’s get cracking. Paulo, if you could stay behind for a minute; we found 87 more languages to translate your repetitive, mindless pedantry into. The rest of you, thanks for coming, please pick up your cartons of money on the way out…”

Done. Congratulations; you’ve just read The Lost Symbol. I just saved you $17.00 and six hours. No need to thank me. And if you’re still interested in ciphers, riddles and secret messages, I’ve embedded my own within this review – a diabolical code that I spent as much time crafting as Brown did on this steaming pile of pulp.

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1 Star Review By Valannin “Pantheon Outcast”

I had only owned this watch for a few days, but i quickly realized that it just can’t keep pace with my timekeeping needs. Due to its inherent design flaws, the watch is only accurate to something like 1.3 milliseconds – not nearly accurate enough for my lifestyle. So instead, I’ve had the DNA of John Harrison extracted from his remains and then recombined into the body of a midget who follows me around in a Segway and chants the current time to me in three languages (Latin, Arabic and binary) every twenty three minutes, or when prompted to do so remotely via an electro-shock system activated by a wrist-mounted remote. Unfortunately, the lag time between between pressing the button on the remote switch and the activation of the shock collar he wears around his neck is, ironically, 1.3 milliseconds, which is also unacceptable. So to compensate, I’ve been forced to add a secondary midget on a Segway whose shock collar is programmed to go off 1.3 milliseconds before the first midget’s; Midget B’s gasp of surprise is enough to prompt Midget A to chant the time before he receives HIS shock.

I understand that messages sent along the human neuron are relatively slow at only 120 meters per second, and that this leads to an inevitable additional lag time, so I’m contemplating adding a third midget in the series. But either way, this watch certainly isn’t the answer to your timekeeping needs.

Also, the package was really hard to open.

5 Star Review By Dan “www.danstechreviews.com”

I was a bit short on cash this year for my bonus and couldn’t quite buy this, so I decided to sell my yacht, my house, and my Audi R8. I now have my Breguet Classique. Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices in life to get the things that really matter.

5 Star Review By Daniel

The finest watch made by Breguet thus far. I make it a point to buy one of these a year but with the rose-gold color band, the lightweight 40mm thickness, and the pink color dial, I had to buy two.

When first released, I was initially concerned that I would not have the opportunity to purchase this timepiece due to my daughter requiring a kidney transplant. However, it took a bit longer than I thought it would trying to work her surgery into the budget of this purchase and she passed away 6 weeks before release (talk about “timing”!!!). Thus, I was able to make this finest of purchases, after all. The second watch is in a case commemorating my daughter’s memory (I believe my wife had named her Kelly. Or Kristy.)

Anyway, the finest of all watches. It isn’t for every man, though. Just the ones that truly matter.

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3 Star Review By Whisper

After repeatedly cramming these enormous buds into my ear canals, and slowly developing one huge headache after another, I developed a profound sympathy for every sexual partner I have ever had in my life.

Sorry, ladies.

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AudioQuest K2 terminated speaker cable

1 Star Review By Whisper

We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

PLEASE! You must listen! We cannot maintain the link for long… I will type as fast as I can.

DO NOT USE THE CABLES!

We were fools, fools to develop such a thing! Sound was never meant to be this clear, this pure, this… accurate. For a few short days, we marveled. Then the… whispers… began.

Were they Aramaic? Hyperborean? Some even more ancient tongue, first spoken by elder races under the red light of dying suns far from here? We do not know, but somehow, slowly… we began to UNDERSTAND.

No, no, please! I don’t want to remember! YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME REMEMBER! I saw brave men claw their own eyes out… oh, god, the screaming… the mobs of feral children feasting on corpses, the shadows MOVING, the fires burning in the air! The CHANTING!

WHY CAN’T I FORGET THE WORDS???

We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives.

Do not use the cables!

4 Star Review By Valannin “Pantheon Outcast”

If there is one cable I would whole-heartedly trust to my Chimera-hunting needs, this would be the cable. No other cable has the tensile strength to properly and efficiently garrote a lycanthrope, asphyxiate an Esquilax or even gag a mermaid. Last week, using my trusty AudioQuest K2 (retrofitted with lead weights, bright orange latex paint and a generous coating of crushed glass stolen from the window of an abandoned church at midnight), I managed to snuff 3 golden unicorns in swift succession!

Pros: Quickly tears through scales, fur, bone, and adamantium with ease
Coils and uncoils from hip holster (optional) quickly and quietly
For a product fabricated from 1,000 Onyx Dragon fetuses, the price is unbelievably reasonable!

Cons: Shipping from the R’lyeh took far too long
Doesn’t come in 10′ lengths (which would be perfect for hydra, cerberii and other multi-headed creatures)
After every use, I can feel 6 ounces of my soul slipping from my core into the ether. But this may be due to the fact that I prefer to work without gloves. YMMV.

Overall, I would recommend that any hunter buy one, nay, two, of these immediately, and experience the difference that upgrading to the K2 will make in your next quest!

5 Star Review By Audiophile

Using these cables, and only using these cables, I was finally able to hear an auditory gem that has been long rumored among music connaisseurs – Aretha Franklin’s stress-fart just prior to her high A in her recording of “You’re All I Need to Get By”.

Worth every penny.

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5 Star Review By brutus “momofthree”

This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn’t you know it? The 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China. I am so happy the price seems reasonable. I’m thinking Amazing Anniversary Present!!!!!!

2 Star Review By 5318008

I was thinking, “Sweet! Finally a version of Outlook that will run on my wooden Chinese toilet seats!!” Little did I know this has **NOTHING** to do with Outlook for Windows or any other MicroSoft product. It is NOT a five-year wooden-toilet email/calendar software product, but is in fact some kind of WELL-DONE REPORT ON TOILET SEATS!! By coincidence still entirely useful to me in my line of business but now I will have to find some other way to coordinate my inter-seat schedules and emails!! Buyer beware!!

4 Star Review By Boatbutter

As a result of this document, I have purchased over 4 acres of prime masonite woodland. I expect to recoup my money in under three months!

3 Star Review By JJ

It’s about time that someone took the time to write about wooden chinese toiet seats. Before this book I had to settle for pamphlets in the bathroom section of hoe depot.
Cons: $500 for a paperback book.
Pros: eligible for free shipping (that’s $5 savings!!!)

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Webster's English to Norwegian Crossword Puzzles: Level 3

5 Star Review By MN Ghosthunter

After breezing through Webster’s English to Norwegian Crossword Puzzles Levels 1 and 2, I was sitting on my hands trying to keep from going mad as my brain ran in circles like a child after eating a half gallon of coffee ice cream. It’s extremely difficult for the insanely brilliant to get their minds to slow down, and I really feel sorry for them. I just need something to do while waiting for Ice Road Truckers to come on. This book does the trick. It provides hours of fun, and the thing is, I don’t even speak Norwegian! I just fill in the squares with random consonants and I challenge you to tell the difference. Well, to be fair, Norwegians probably can, but they are more than likely too busy stuffing themselves with herring and tumbling drunk off of fjords to critique my work.

Needless to say, I’m saving my egg money for Level 4!

1 Star Review By Wandrwoman “Caped Crusader”

My BFF Ethel Agnes and I are uber crossword addicts! We compete constantly to see who can polish off the puzzle fastest. The NY Times Saturday and Sunday puzzles are our battlefields. And we always write scathing letters to Will Shortz when we discover an error. Of course, Ethel Agnes can no longer sign her real name to any correspondence with Will Shortz due to a restraining order that was precipitated by an unfortunate misunderstanding while we were extras during the filming of our very most favorite movie, Word Play. [[ASIN:B000HLDFR2 Wordplay].] We have seen Word Play over 200 times, even though we were cut from the final version. The back of Ethel Agnes’s head can be seen for a split second, 15 minutes into the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament.

Ethel Agnes’s preferred equipment is a Bic Cristal Stic pen in blue BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen, Medium Point (1.0 mm), Blue, 10-Count, I use my trusty turkey feather quill and ink pot (both of which I learned to make in advanced calligraphy class). Every Saturday night we kick off our Crocs, sit on my living room sofa, drink hot chai lattes, eat low fat, high fibre pumpkin-carrot mini muffins, turn up the Michael Buble and puzzle it out. After about 15 minutes, the puzzles are done, the victor does a bit of River Dance and the loser massages her writers cramp, secretly hoping for a rematch. On to the Kenken! Then a round of caramel popcorn followed by dental floss and rinsing. Good times!

Imagine our delight when we discovered the Webster’s English to Norwegian Crossword Puzzle in book format on Amazon. Published by the Icon Group and the very clever Philip M. Parker, this was just the catnip we needed! In fact, Ethel Agnes became so over excited that she unexpectedly snorted some chai she was drinking out her nose and it got all over her dickie. What a hoot that Ethel Agnes is!

Although neither one of us actually knows Norwegian, Ethel Agnes is from Alexandria, MN and has a life sized replica of the Rune Stone on her bedside table. I wasn’t too worried. My ace up my sleeve was that I had made an in depth, 342 page study of Old Norse for extra credit when I was in Middle School. Who needs to go to the Prom anyway? Despite the fact that Norwegian is a pitch language and I am unable to pronounce many of the words due to my advanced deviated septum and post nasal drip, I thought I could give Ethel Agnes a run for her money.

The English to Norwegian Crossword Puzzle book comes in three levels: Level 1 (beginner), Level 2 (intermediate) and Level 3 (triple black diamond!!!!). Naturally, we chose Level 3. Also, the puzzles get progressively more difficult through each book. We decided to start in the middle of Level 3.

Finally, Saturday night arrived! Ethel Agnes shows up at my apartment wearing a Brunhilda helmet, her long blond hair in braids. I have to admit that she cut an imposing figure in her full leather dirndl, lace up vest and knee socks! Only her red Crocs reminded me of the goofy, full figured girl she really was.

After much consideration, I had decided to dress up as Death in The Seventh Seal. The hood kept on falling over my eyes and the scythe was a bit tricky to manage what with the quill having to be dipped in the ink pot so often…. but Ethel Agnes did seem truly intimidated by my get up. Slightly disoriented, she at first went for the chess board on it’s special table. “No, No!” I cried. “We play chess on Wednesday and Sunday nights…..tonight we do the English to Norwegian Puzzle, Level 3″.

At first we quibbled about background music. I had hoped to listen to my cherished Der Ring des Nibelungen recorded live and in stereo in 1955, with Joseph Keilberth conducting the Bayreuth Festival Orchestra. But Ethel Agnes felt that Wagner was too derivative and that Peer Gynt by Grieg was far more appropriate. Also, she reminded me that I was usually unable to listen to all 15 hours of The Ring, being rendered into a catatonic state usually after the first 15 minutes. This shows what a fair and superior competitor Ethel Agnes is!

So, with Grieg on the record player and a platter of lutefisk before us… off we went…..cristal stics and quills flying!

What a night it was!

Ethel Agnes pulled ahead early in the contest. Gosh was she good. Her cristal stic was a blur as she laid down Norwegian word after word, phrase after phrase. I had hoped that I could beat her with my superior command of Middle Low German vocabulary, and fondness for Danish pastries, but she was really amazing. Mid way through, I thought I was a goner. My post nasal drip was killing me and the scythe in my left hand made my carpel tunnel syndrome return. I prayed for a miracle!

But then with less than 10% of the puzzle to finish, Ethel Agnes must have been tired because she stumbled on the tricky way words are compounded in Norwegian. The clue was “Doughnuts” and she wrote Smult ringer (“Lard is calling”) instead of Smultringer! Ha Ha Ha! I cried as I quickly pulled past. The fatal blow came when she forgot that Norwegian adjectives have two inflectional paradigms. A silly mistake, for sure!

Lets face it, Ethel Agnes clutched at the end.

I finished the puzzle and won the night!

I River Danced until my Crocs gave out! Then we had hot Hawaiian Punch and Sara Lee Brownies.

Rematch! Rematch!

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Make Your Own Sex Toys: 50 Quick and Easy Do-It-Yourself Projects:

4 Star Review By A Customer

Although the book has a section on health and safety I need to stress the importance of checking that pins and staples are completely removed from your work before use – probably best avoided altogether. Also, in the rush to test out the various projects you may be tempted to put your creations into service before adhesives (don’t use water soluable glues) have been allowed to dry properly. Don’t risk it, particularly if you are one of those unfortunate people who have sideburns down the inside of your thighs. One of the projects requires a rather large salami and you would be wise to check that it is up to the job as a visit to A & E to recover the missing broken section could prove embarrassing. If you are slightly hesitant or anxious about this particular project, why not try it out on a family pet beforehand? I really do think it’s best to be on the safe side here. On a different note, I did wonder if some of the projects (eg crocheted gimp mask) might prove useful fund raisers for the local Womans’ Institute or church fair. And finally a word of warning, despite the lovely hand penned illustrations, I don’t think this book would make a terribly good mothers’ day gift.

4 Star Review By Wayne Redhart “Also on Twitter!”

There is a wide range of projects in this book, from the reasonably straightforward to those which call for a sizeable degree of skill. I rather struggled with the hydraulic probe, but what an intense burst of satisfaction I experienced on completion! This is a fine selection of designs certainly, but I shall only be giving it four stars. Doreen has grown quite attached to her ‘Bastille Battering Ram’ and I am being asked to refuel the petrol-driven engine at least once a week! However, personally I believe that natural ways are the best and I soon found myself returning to more traditional methods- a king-sized tub of lard and a rubber glove is more than enough for me!

3 Star Review By M. MITCHELL “steevnmitch”

I’ve found an empty cigar tube filled with angry wasps to be a great ice-breaker when meeting ladies from the internet in hotels.

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Jesus Action Figure:

2 Star Review By Aleksei Sdrahcir “Russia media reviewer of ye…

Bought this thinking it would be great for my son to have, so his action man had someone to fight apart from the makeshift Taliban I made him. After 7 minutes, my son came in, crying. Jesus had thrown a fireball at action man. Not impressed.

5 Star Review By Mr. Andrew S. Carmichael “Magic Hoofbeats Diary”

The Best Thing I Have Ever Bought. So Many possibilities Jesus Football ,Jesus Races Anything. The Wheels are so good and rounds off the overall product

5 Star Review By JimN

I purchased the item as a gift to my girlfriend on behalf of our cat Marvin, whom i assume is a devout christian. In the weeks leading up to my lovely girlfriend’s birthday, i dropped a few hints that Marvin’s gift would be a special one this year, and she was understandably excited with anticipation. Eagerly unrapping Marvins gift, my wonderful girlfriend cried with what i can only imagine was joy at recieving a little Jesus.

We have recently postponed our wedding, this does not relate to the product

3 Star Review By Rob_h

Does what it says on the wrapper – amusing for the first 3 minutes as a gift for the discerning agnostic, but does little after that – I certainly have not witnessed any miracles.

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Jesus Mug, He

3 Star Review By Lewton Wicks

I bought this Jesus Mug, He’s No. 1 without many expectations, and although I was expecting a neat surprise here and there, no such surprises came.

Firstly, the wireless signal is spotty at best. I found only if I held the mug aloft in my kitchen would I manage a single bar of reception. Once it had signal though, the GPS kicked in, and it quickly tweeted it’s own status. Once it did mistake Horlicks for Bovril, but it’s been pretty good apart from that small incident.

For a while, the mug acted very well as a pen holder for the kitchen, as we had bought many other ‘He’s No. 1′ mugs, including Elvis Presley, Nat King Cole, Buddy Holly, and Sarah Palin, which were already in full use. The cup can hold around twenty five average size biros, but if you are planning on using fountain pens, it may limit itself to only ten such pens, due to the relatively thin neck on the mug. The mug comes without any sort of stand (the assumption being that you have your own stand for said mug) so if you are wanting to use the mug as a pen storage device, make sure you have somewhere to display it within easy reach.

The audio feedback feels a bit muffled, although the upload of mp3 files to the mug was speedy, and actually pretty easy to do. Although missing from the item description, the mug comes pre-loaded with a copy of ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’, which is a nice touch.

Unfortunately this product is marked down for durability. I had attached the mug to a length of rope, and swung the mug around my head, trying to ward of Tusken Raiders, and unfortunately they attacked the mug with a gaderffii stick, and the mug shattered. To its credit, after three days the mug seemingly fixed itself, but that was three days without the mug, and as a result, pens were just lying on the top of my kitchen counter, unguarded.

Buyers beware.

5 Star Review By Timothy Poteet “Timboliah Pants on Fiyah”

I bought this mug for use at work as I get rather tired of making several trips to the drinking fountain throughout the day. Surprisingly, by the time I made it back to my desk from the water spigot, this mug had turned my water into wine! Being a little skeptical, naturally I made several more trips over the course of the day to confirm the miracle… feeling more relaxed about the matter with each trip.
Blimey that was an impressive vintage!

Well, by mid afternoon I was full on sloshed… pissed… rat-arsed. Feeling a bit cheeky as I walked past my boss I gave her a nice swat on the bum. I’m very fortunate that I didn’t get sacked on the spot… and I reckon I have my Jesus Mug to thank for that small miracle. I am now in a company mandated substance abuse program though. My boss, not a handsome woman when viewed without the beer goggles has… err… forgiven me. She’s always coming round my desk now and hinting that she doesn’t have plans for the evening.

All in all though, it’s a lovely mug… and Jesus is number 1 for sure! Perhaps a better mug for use at home and a nice cup of tea.

2 Star Review By Aleksei Sdrahcir “Russia media reviewer of ye…

When I originally received this mug for Christmas, I thought this was just a normal coffee mug, with what can only be described as ‘The face of Christ’ appearing on the mug. I thought to myself ‘Wow, I’ve read about people who have seen Jesus’ face in a piece of toast, or on a bloody tampon, but never on a mug’. I went to my local church where the blind Farther Ezekiel felt the mug and confirmed that the face of Jesus unto my chalice. I went to BBC centre to find the news room, after getting forcefully removed by an over zealous bodyguard I showed him my mug, then my adventure was to be stopped in it’s tracks; “That’s a Jesus mug” the bodyguard said, I said “I know” he said “No, it’s a Jesus mug…those mugs are manufactured with the Lord’s face upon them”. Shocked, I locked myself in my room for 4 days. Apart from that minor hiccup, this mug is of poor quality, the packaging is poor and I burned my hand on it after I filled it with tea. Not impressed.

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5 Star Review By Chris Phelps

Dear Amazon,

I received my “The Mountain Unicorn Castle Purple Adult T-Shirt(Small)” about a month ago as a gift from a friend. At first I was a little put off by the gift and wondered why a man would buy another man a purple shirt with a unicorn on it. It sat in the closet for about a week until I ran out of clothes and decided to wear it as a funny Casual Friday garment. I have to say once I put it on I instantly noticed the amazing quality and texture of the silky smooth 100% cotton as it snuggled tightly against my freshly manscaped chest. It also gave me a delightful new boost of confidence.

Later that day, I was stepping out to start my rewarding new career as an Assistant Janitor at the local Adult Theater. I padlocked the door to my trailer and turned to begin my daily routine of removing the T- tops of my 1987 Camaro when I noticed Bonquiqui, the pretty gypsy girl who makes and sells little garden gnomes out of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. She was smiling at me from the trailer across the park. With my new found confidence I waved to her and thought to myself this is my moment to finally make an impression. I jumped in through the passenger side of my car (which was the only way in due to my meth head neighbor deciding to take apart his lawn mower at 3am in my driveway) and cranked the volume to a techno remix of White Wedding by Billy Idol that is stuck in my tape deck. I gave her a wink and commenced a burnout down our alley. Unfortunately, I accidently hit her cat with my right side naked girl silhouette mud flap in the process. I would have to say that other than giving her cat a permanent limp it was a great success. She came over that night with her cat wearing a white and red paper mache cast she made out of her empty Lucky Strike Brand Cigarette packages. We talked about her life growing up as a Bangladeshi street performer and she told me she never would have even given me a second look if it wasn’t for amazing collaboration of the Unicorn, Castle, Rainbow, Moon and Stars that were radiating from my shirt.

To this day every time that I wear my “The Mountain Unicorn Castle Purple Adult T-Shirt (Small)”it seems as though women can’t resist me. It’s like the dyes used to create the majestic colors were mixed with some sort of experimental high potency pheromone. It’s amazing!!! Sometimes I even think to myself this must be what it feels like to be Chuck Norris. Just three days ago, this tall glass of water with torn white washed jeans in front of me at the checkout in Wal-Mart even offered to pay for my package of Red Man smokeless tobacco and my assortment of Adult, monster truck, and fishing magazines as long as I let her touch the tip of my Unicorn’s horn. I eagerly said ok but “just the tip”. Honestly can life really get any better? Thank you Amazon and The Mountain!!

Warning: Do not mix this item with “The Situation’s Instant Self-Tanning Spray;” the combination is EXTREMLY DANGEROUS. I went to a Bon Jovi concert and felt like a cheeseburger in Somalia. I mean even John himself pointed and winked at me from the stage. Things really got out of hand after I applied a fresh new coat. The glistening dark orange skin mixed with the explosive pinks and purples of the shirt had a dangerous effect on the women in the crowd. If it wasn’t for my extensive martial arts training thanks to my Mom’s Bill Blank’s: Tae Bo and Boot Camp video collection, I don’t think I would be here today. Seriously, don’t combine the two. DON’T DO IT!!

5 Star Review By Pinkie

I was feelin kinda down cuz my waitressing job at the truck stop was just awful ever since they hired that nasty Lula-Jean. She was takin away all my regulars with her perky 38Ds and there I was with my stringy old dishwater blond hair and no chest to speak of. So anyways, I bought me this darlin unicorn tshirt, and the next thing I know, my girls went from 34AA to 40DD, I had highlights in my thick shiny hair, and I didn’t need them Coke bottle glasses no more. Amazin, I’m tellin you.

It gave me the confidence to get in my old Pacer, which turned into a Mercedes, and drive to that truck stop to quit my job. People were just starin and gettin in their cars and pickups and followin me all the way there. Men, women, even a goat, I swear, and I never knew goats could drive.

Well, I sashayed into the truck stop and you coulda heard a pin drop. Customers were wantin to bring me food, and one even washed my feet, which was kinda creepy but in a good way. The manager came over and I said, “I quit this place!” He begged me to stay and gave me his job, then the owner came in and signed the place over to me right there.

Meanwhile, everyone in town was givin me flowers and all kinds of real nice stuff, and that snooty bank president who turned down my $200 loan application last year gave me a free checking account with $25,000 in it and said there was plenty more where that came from, as long as I visited the bank once a week just to say hi.

I fired that skank Lula-Jean, took her man, and got him a Three Wolves One Moon tshirt. His beer gut disappeared and so did that stupid tattoo of Lula-Jean’s name on his neck. Now he’s the mayor. We’re livin high on the hog.

Thank you Amazon!!!!

5 Star Review By C. Willis

It has EVERYTHING!!! The awesome unicorn, the mysterious castle, and to top it all off there’s even a huge rainbow in the background (I mean comparing it to the size of the castle, that rainbow is huge!!) You really have to see this shirt in front of you to see the breathtaking beauty that lies within this shirt. The unicorn is ready to go on some sort of magical journey as you can clearly tell… It’s mane and tail is just going wild in the wind and although it’s horn might appear to have a glimmering majestic light at the end of it, it’s actually a bright star. This obviously signals that this is fate, and it brought you and this unicorn together. The unicorn knows that you mean business when you climb onto it, and it’s super pumped as it awaits your command. The unicorn can’t talk, but it’s magic unicorn abilities allow it to communicate with you telepathically. It tells you that you have been chosen to embark on an epic quest to obtain the legendary Ustanatos crystal, which lies under the control of the evil wizard, Abadede. Abadede has put a curse on the unicorn, and you must obtain this mythical crystal to save the unicorn from eternal sleep. You have until the next full moon to complete this task, or the unicorn will fall into an infinite slumber from which it will never awaken from! So quickly, grab some potions, your bow and quiver, and be ready to go on a quest that will blow your motherf***ing pony mind!!!

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