My BFF Ethel Agnes and I are uber crossword addicts! We compete constantly to see who can polish off the puzzle fastest. The NY Times Saturday and Sunday puzzles are our battlefields. And we always write scathing letters to Will Shortz when we discover an error. Of course, Ethel Agnes can no longer sign her real name to any correspondence with Will Shortz due to a restraining order that was precipitated by an unfortunate misunderstanding while we were extras during the filming of our very most favorite movie, Word Play. [[ASIN:B000HLDFR2 Wordplay].] We have seen Word Play over 200 times, even though we were cut from the final version. The back of Ethel Agnes’s head can be seen for a split second, 15 minutes into the American Crossword Puzzle Tournament.
Ethel Agnes’s preferred equipment is a Bic Cristal Stic pen in blue BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen, Medium Point (1.0 mm), Blue, 10-Count, I use my trusty turkey feather quill and ink pot (both of which I learned to make in advanced calligraphy class). Every Saturday night we kick off our Crocs, sit on my living room sofa, drink hot chai lattes, eat low fat, high fibre pumpkin-carrot mini muffins, turn up the Michael Buble and puzzle it out. After about 15 minutes, the puzzles are done, the victor does a bit of River Dance and the loser massages her writers cramp, secretly hoping for a rematch. On to the Kenken! Then a round of caramel popcorn followed by dental floss and rinsing. Good times!
Imagine our delight when we discovered the Webster’s English to Norwegian Crossword Puzzle in book format on Amazon. Published by the Icon Group and the very clever Philip M. Parker, this was just the catnip we needed! In fact, Ethel Agnes became so over excited that she unexpectedly snorted some chai she was drinking out her nose and it got all over her dickie. What a hoot that Ethel Agnes is!
Although neither one of us actually knows Norwegian, Ethel Agnes is from Alexandria, MN and has a life sized replica of the Rune Stone on her bedside table. I wasn’t too worried. My ace up my sleeve was that I had made an in depth, 342 page study of Old Norse for extra credit when I was in Middle School. Who needs to go to the Prom anyway? Despite the fact that Norwegian is a pitch language and I am unable to pronounce many of the words due to my advanced deviated septum and post nasal drip, I thought I could give Ethel Agnes a run for her money.
The English to Norwegian Crossword Puzzle book comes in three levels: Level 1 (beginner), Level 2 (intermediate) and Level 3 (triple black diamond!!!!). Naturally, we chose Level 3. Also, the puzzles get progressively more difficult through each book. We decided to start in the middle of Level 3.
Finally, Saturday night arrived! Ethel Agnes shows up at my apartment wearing a Brunhilda helmet, her long blond hair in braids. I have to admit that she cut an imposing figure in her full leather dirndl, lace up vest and knee socks! Only her red Crocs reminded me of the goofy, full figured girl she really was.
After much consideration, I had decided to dress up as Death in The Seventh Seal. The hood kept on falling over my eyes and the scythe was a bit tricky to manage what with the quill having to be dipped in the ink pot so often…. but Ethel Agnes did seem truly intimidated by my get up. Slightly disoriented, she at first went for the chess board on it’s special table. “No, No!” I cried. “We play chess on Wednesday and Sunday nights…..tonight we do the English to Norwegian Puzzle, Level 3″.
At first we quibbled about background music. I had hoped to listen to my cherished Der Ring des Nibelungen recorded live and in stereo in 1955, with Joseph Keilberth conducting the Bayreuth Festival Orchestra. But Ethel Agnes felt that Wagner was too derivative and that Peer Gynt by Grieg was far more appropriate. Also, she reminded me that I was usually unable to listen to all 15 hours of The Ring, being rendered into a catatonic state usually after the first 15 minutes. This shows what a fair and superior competitor Ethel Agnes is!
So, with Grieg on the record player and a platter of lutefisk before us… off we went…..cristal stics and quills flying!
What a night it was!
Ethel Agnes pulled ahead early in the contest. Gosh was she good. Her cristal stic was a blur as she laid down Norwegian word after word, phrase after phrase. I had hoped that I could beat her with my superior command of Middle Low German vocabulary, and fondness for Danish pastries, but she was really amazing. Mid way through, I thought I was a goner. My post nasal drip was killing me and the scythe in my left hand made my carpel tunnel syndrome return. I prayed for a miracle!
But then with less than 10% of the puzzle to finish, Ethel Agnes must have been tired because she stumbled on the tricky way words are compounded in Norwegian. The clue was “Doughnuts” and she wrote Smult ringer (“Lard is calling”) instead of Smultringer! Ha Ha Ha! I cried as I quickly pulled past. The fatal blow came when she forgot that Norwegian adjectives have two inflectional paradigms. A silly mistake, for sure!
Lets face it, Ethel Agnes clutched at the end.
I finished the puzzle and won the night!
I River Danced until my Crocs gave out! Then we had hot Hawaiian Punch and Sara Lee Brownies.
Rematch! Rematch!
