Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 Fluid Ounces
3 Star Review by Catherine Swinford:
After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door, his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he would grip my waist – I was always cooking dinner – and press the cold frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.
Then there was that Friday, the terrible Friday that would ruin every Friday for the rest of my life. The door opened, but there was no bouyant greeting – no cold jug against the back of my arm. There was no Tuscan Whole Milk in his right hand, nor his left. There came no kiss. I watched as he sat down in a kitchen chair to remove his shoes. He wore no fatigue, but also no smile. I didn’t speak, but turned back to the beans I had been stirring. I stirred until most of their little shrivelled skins floated to the surface of the cloudy water. Something was wrong, but it was vague wrongness that no amount of hard thought could give shape to.
Over dinner that night I casually inserted,”What happened to the milk?”
“Oh,”he smiled sheepishly, glancing aside,”I guess I forgot today.”That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That’s when I knew it was over. Some time later he moved in with a cashier from the Food Mart down the street. And me? Well, I’ve gone soy.
5 Star Review by Triplet Rules:
Last week while I was shopping for some new night-vision goggles, (because I happen to care about the safety of my family unlike most people) I stumbled upon an advertisement for a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk.
Immediately a conflict began inside of me. Part of me wanted to just ignore it and continue shopping for robot snipers and 500,000-volt electrified fence wire, but that part of me was weak and deep down I knew what I had to do.
Needless to say, I bought 5 gallons immediately and selected the next-day shipping. (Which was only $90! What a deal!) My eyes were filled with satisfaction as amazon informed me I had completed my purchase.
That night I waited for what seemed like an eternity, keeping a sharp eye on my mailbox (from the safety of my panic room using CCTV cameras). I knew that every government agency from the ATF to the FBI would be monitoring this deal. Everybody knows milk is hard to find, and I was sure my purchase had been monitored.
Anyway that night I was asleep in my triple-diamond-layered panic room, when all of the sudden my tripwire alarms went off!!
They were here.
But before I could do anything, a helicopter suddenly descended from the skies and cut a hole in my panic room with a superhot plasma laser! I was shocked, and could only watch as none other than Chuck Norris descended into my room and looked at me. He walked over to me and punched me in the face. I shot backwards through all three layers of diamond in my panic room, all my bones were broken, I could only watch as Chuck Norris bent down and stared into my face.
“Your payment was rejected, punk. Insufficient funds.”
And that’s the last thing I remember. I’m sending this from an iphone I smuggled into prison.
1 Star Review by Joshua Darland:
I bought Tucson Whole Milk after hearing legends of its glory, tales of its majesty, and how delicious it is. I poured a bowl of frosted mini wheats and eagerly opened the ring seal of the Milk. A sweet smell of other worlds erupted from the biodegradable plastic container. As I poured the pure white liquid onto my cereal, my mouth water with anticipation. A golden glow filled my bowl and I took a single mini-wheat in my spoon and put it in my mouth. I bit down, only to crack two teeth. It turns out that Tucson Whole Milk had transmuted my cereal to pure gold.
One star, I was looking forward to that cereal. Bad Tucson Whole Milk! Do not buy, ruins perfectly good breakfasts.
